the difference between seeing and feeling

mar 23 2022

My face does not feel like my face.

I look in the mirror and feel nothing
more than confusion;
Not disgust, not pride.
I dont think I'm
ugly; I just think I'm wrong-looking,
a poser; someone wearing a mask.

I used to take ballet classes.
Toes tracing first position, second position.
Pas de chat. Back straight; butt tucked in.
The studio had a wall with floor-to-ceiling mirrors opposite the barre
and I used to stare at myself the entire class, fascinated.
One day that fascination turned into
unease and I started avoiding mirrors altogether.

I don't take pictures of myself.
When my mom shows me the photos she took
for our Christmas card I feel queasy. I quit
ballet; I hated wearing tights and
putting my hair in a bun. I take up
drawing instead of dance and I start to scribble
portraits of people. When I try to draw myself, I leave the face

(the face, not my face)

blank. Smooth. Sometimes I sit in front of my mirror
and feel the tiny bumps in my skin, watching the stranger
in the glass do the same.

Does she feel it, too?

I press my fingers over my eyes,
hard, and watch
the starbursts bloom in the dark.