oct 1 2022

i've been trying not to force myself to blog just because i've got a shiny new toy, but to wait until i felt like i actually had something to talk about. idk, this is going to be more of a vent bc i know im being an asshole and i dont really want to post about it anywhere else. my roommate's bf is over at our place all the time and it's really wearing on me. it's not even that i hate him or think he's rude; he actually seems like a really nice guy. but i just hate the idea of having people i barely know, especially men, in my living space all the time. i dont feel comfortable going into our living room or kitchen bc i dont want to be forced to make awkward small talk with him. it's draining for me. and i feel like a huge asshole for feeling like this bc i know he makes her happy and she's been sick this week, so of course she wants her bf taking care of her. but idk. he's just over here so much and she used to be really good at warning me about it, but lately she's been forgetting. i'll go out in the kitchen and he'll just be there! and the other night she didn't lock the door after he left, which majorly freaked me out... i know the odds that something will actually happen because of that are like a million to one, but tell that to my anxiety! well, like i said it's not really that big of an issue, so hopefully when she feels better/gets busy bc of midterms he won't be over as much. and if it gets to be that big of a problem i can just talk to her.

in other news... therapy on tuesday! i've finally made up my mind to talk to my therapist about thinking i might be autistic. i know autism and adhd are like, the hot new tiktok mental illnesses, but i've been thinking about it for years at this point. i think in my mind even thought i fit a lot of the symptoms (esp the physical symptoms like sensitivity to textures, sensory overload, stimming) i've immediately shut it down bc it was something i didn't want to have. although i poke fun, i think the recent destigmatization of autism has genuinely helped me accept it. i don't think it's something i would ever seek a professional diagnosis for, bc that's really expensive and time consuming (and i dont think the possible accommodations would be worth it) but it's def something i want to informally talk to my therapist about. and who knows, maybe she'll be like no i don't think you have it, i think those symptoms come from x, which could def be possible. but i'll never know if i don't bring it up.

ok, that's all i had to say. crow, signing off!